Natural Curiosities
by Reverberating Winds
Summary: Heavily implied KoPei. Hidan is bored...he got Pein and Konan out of the house, and it's to ransack-- I mean, explore certain parts of the Akatsuki hideout. Deidara comes along, and the two find more than they thought they would. NOT yaoi. T for a reason


**Natural Curiosities**

don't own it

* * *

The night had been relatively quiet, especially for a Saturday night. Usually, on Saturday nights, the Akatsuki members were overdosing on alcohol and sugar, sitting around watching gory movies at earsplitting volume. Others were in their rooms, having their own personal parties. But not tonight. Perhaps it was because Pein and Konan were out of the house, and there was no one to pester with questions and begging, as they were the most respected. Tobi couldn't follow Konan around poking her and randomly hugging her. And Hidan couldn't harass Pein about several disturbing things. 

Needless to say, Hidan was bored. Very bored. But it was indeed his idea to steal some money off of Kakuzu and use it to buy Pein and Konan a pass to a hot nightclub in Suna. Hidan actually wanted them out of the house, for a change. He and Deidara had some scavenging to do.

At the moment, Deidara was attempting to teach Itachi and Kisame the art of clay (using Play Doh) but the two weren't grasping the concept. Deidara was becoming exasperated with them. Reaching over Itachi's shoulder, he corrected the ear on the cat he was molding.

"No, no!" Deidara mumbled, "Cats don't have rabbit ears. And what the hell, is it crippled too? That leg it too small." 

Itachi ground his teeth and ripped the 'crippled' leg of his little cat.

Deidara moved over to Kisame. "And that. Is it a…two little mountains…with a path? The hell?" Deidara tipped his head to the side while Kisame looked at him expectantly. Kisame grinned at him, wiggling his eyebrows. The corners of Deidara's mouth turned down a little as he suddenly got the message.

"Very nice. A bra." He said sarcastically. "I should incinerate it."

"Aw, screw you!" Kisame whined, frowning, waving a hand. "It's awesome—"

In reply to that, Deidara took the chunks of Play Doh, mashed it in his hand, and threw it back on the table. 

"Start over."

"Fuck…"

Hidan, having heard the whole ordeal, hooted. He was lounging on the couch, near the beat up card table where Deidara was at, and stared at Deidara until Deidara caught his eye. Which took longer than Hidan thought it would. It was at least two minutes before Deidara noticed he was being stared at. He was cursing Deidara's idiocy passionately in his head.

Deidara finally caught his eye, and nodded.

"You two, stay here. I'll be back in a bit." Deidara turned to Tobi, who was teaching himself yoga in a corner of the cave. "Tobi," Deidara gave him a saccharine, cloying smile, "make sure to watch them and make sure they don't take off, okay?"

"YES MASTER!" Tobi said, saluting him. In the process of acknowledging Deidara, he pretty much ruined his 'downward dog' pose. Deidara rolled his eyes and motioned for Hidan to follow. 

Hidan gracefully slid off the couch, and followed Deidara down the long and wide hallway discreetly. It was dark, but that was Kakuzu's fault. He was too retarded to go and buy light bulbs, thinking it would be a waste of money, and Itachi didn't feel like lighting the backup torches. Because they were both total and complete assholes.

"Fucking Kakuzu," grumbled Hidan, keeping his eyes on the pale head of hair ahead of him.

"He's a bitch." Deidara agreed, kicking the door to Kakuzu's room as they passed by. 

"Haaaaaa." 

"So, dude. Where is Konan's room?" Deidara asked, navigating the hallway with his hands sliding over the wall. Hidan was about to point out that a good string of saliva was on the wall now, but kept quiet and answered the question. 

"Uhh." Hidan shrugged. "She doesn't. Konan shares with Pein…"

"Whaaaaat? Seriously?" Deidara demanded. He looked over his shoulder at Hidan, horrified. But strangely amused as well.

Hidan smirked, and wiggled his eyebrows, snickering. 

"Yup. _I _think that Konan is Pein's bitch. But I wouldn't know…!" Hidan said coyly.

"Mhmhm. You are _so_ sex savvy, Hidan." Deidara said, waving his hand in the air. "Ah ha, here it is."

Deidara hesitated, in front of the large door, looking up and down. His eyes fell on the doorjamb as Hidan flanked him, irritated. Deidara bit his lip and frowned, and he muttered, "This is it. The room. Their room."

"Yeah." Hidan said, nodding. He gave Deidara a look that suggested a straitjacket.

"You open it!" Deidara said, laughing nervously.

"The hell? Why?"

"…if I opened it, it would be obvious…" Deidara averted Hidan's gaze and looked down at the dark floor. He heard Hidan go "meh" and eased the door open, poking his head in and taking a sniff.

"What was that for?" Deidara asked flatly. 

"For effect," Hidan replied testily, dragging Deidara in after him. He fumbled for the light switch, cursing along the way. Deidara stood there dumbly. Hidan, touching something, flicked it up and the room was illuminated by sultry, dim lighting. Hidan surveyed the room, nodding. He did become a little unnerved by all the candles there were and the hard and heavy scent of incense. 

"Yeah…I'd say they're hardcore lovers, Hidan." Deidara muttered. Obviously, the idea that Pein was a pimp was dispelled by the engravings that said 'I (heart) Konan' on the wall and the fact that the obviousness of some sort of love was evident in the stacks of birthday cards on one of the dressers. The other dresser had pictures strewn over it, and Hidan, leaning closer, saw they were all of Pein and Konan. Hugging, kissing, and one that really interested him that was super hardcore and that he knew would be great blackmail. He smirked and tucked it into his cloak. 

"Right, back to our mission. So…where do you think Konan's lingerie is?" Hidan asked, Deidara. Deidara was looking around, enthused in the oddities. He didn't reply.

"Hello?"

"Oh, sorry. There might a trip wire." Deidara pointed out warily. "Anyway…I think it's that one. The one with all the pics. Girls are so obsessed with taking pictures. It's like a disease"

Hidan rubbed his hands together, grinned, and pulled open one of the drawers rather viciously. His eyes sparkled with satire, but he frowned suddenly.

"Deidara…"

No answer.

"Deidara! Do you think Konan would wear boxers?"

Hidan was about to lash out on Deidara, but looked to his left and saw Deidara standing at the other dresser, holding a drawer open. His eyes were wide and his jaw slack, staring at something inside. Hidan jumped his side, ripped his cell phone out of his pocket and used it to illuminate the bounty they had been searching for…lights were not needed for them both to see they had hit the jackpot.

Hidan and Deidara looked at each other, grinned malevolently, and started snickering. Deidara naughtily wiggled his eyebrows at Hidan who replied with a shifty eyed glance. 

"I think Pein," Hidan started, holding up a fishnet panty, "is the one behind this. Just look at it."

"Or _this_," Deidara agreed, holding up a bright pink bra. He smiled sardonically."Victoria's Secret for the win."

"Hell yeah." Hidan agreed with a nod. He became serious. "But this isn't what I'm looking for. I was thinking corsets and MOAR FISHNETZ, seeing they both think they're little goth kids with all the piercings and crap. But meh." Hidan shrugged. "Can't say no to this…" He said, holding a thong.

Deidara stared at it, rapt and curious.

"How does it work?" Deidara asked, poking the skimpy fabric.

"It makes guys happy," Hidan said, "but I also think it flosses the asscrack. I don't know." Hidan plucked another panty out of the drawer. This one, however…

Hidan gasped and dropped it, jumping back. 

"DUDE!" he shrieked happily, pointing at it like it were mating cockroaches, "PEIN fucking _wrote _on it! LOOK!"

"Oh my God! It says 'Property of Pein' everywhere!" Deidara burst of laughing and Hidan was struggling to not laugh. He resisted the temptation to see if anything else was written there, anything more…erotically pleasing, hehe. 

"Now what?" giggled Deidara. 

Hidan looked around the room. His mind was racing as he thought. The bathroom might've had some interesting things in it, but in truth, he was too afraid to scrounge around in there, and Deidara was afraid of even being in the room. Well, it was more of a fear-fascination. Apparently, he thought Pein and Konan would spawn themselves in there at any moment. But hey…he did have to agree with him there. Facing livid lovers was not his idea of fun (his idea of fun would be lusty lovers). Even so, Hidan still had an empty feeling within—he knew they had more. And he craved more.

"Hey, Deidara. Do you suppose that…maybe, just maybe…one of them has an STD?"

"Pein wouldn't get an STD…he's pretty much God, remember?" 

"Pssh, well damn, in my religion getting a STD is a good thing." Hidan said with a scowl. "_Everyone _gets STDs"

"That's retarded." Scoffed Deidara, digging through the drawer. He found a Victoria's Secret catalog and tucked it into his cloak unobtrusively, looking over his shoulder. Paranoia gripped his sanity, and he swallowed an oncoming panic attack. "H-Hidan…"

"Ye-es?" Hidan prompted. He was busy snapping a few pictures of the arsenal of lingerie with his fancy, slick camera. Just like a myspace whore. "The fuck do you want now?"

"What if Konan and Pein find out?"

"Who cares? They're too busy having a screw to notice a few pieces out of place. It's not like we're ransacking the place, dumbass." 

Which was exactly what they were doing, but Hidan didn't want to put it that way. He preferred to call it an exploration, as it was a more accurate term for what they were doing. In his case, documenting…

"But what if they do?" Deidara pressed, prodding Hidan's side gently. 

"They won't!" growled Hidan, losing his temper. "Quit being a gay ass fag. This is not something to overanalyze and get all anal about."

Deidara frowned, but said nothing. He continued to tour the room, making little mental notes about the decorations and posters on the walls. His eyes slid down to the bed…their bed. The sheets were undone and disheveled, and the pillows were uneven. It was impossible to tell which side was Pein's and which Konan's was. 

"Hey Hidan?"

"Mmhmm?"

"Which side do you think Konan sleeps on?"

"What are you talking about? They sleep on top of each other."

"Hidan!" gasped Deidara, jumping back from the bed. It was now deemed spawn of the devil.

"Well, it's true!" Hidan said, feigning innocence. "Heh."

"Where do you learn all this…?" Deidara asked. "Wait. Don't answer tha…I just thought."

"What a surprise," Hidan muttered, sarcastically. He took a pic of himself holding a blood red bra with black lace all over it.

"No, I mean…" Deidara sighed angrily. "Wouldn't…wouldn't there be…ah…you know…stuff…on the sheets…"he trailed off and twiddled his thumbs sheepishly. Hidan looked at him and was amused to see Deidara looked quite embarrassed. Hidan raised his eyebrows and nodded.

"Now you're getting somewhere. But yes, you are correct. Want to check? Pein's probably loaded."

Deidara choked on his spit, making Hidan laugh. 

"I was kidding, fucktard!" Hidan said flatly. "Not even Kakuzu would do that for money, that little whore…hey, look, a Lolita magazine…"

Deidara swallowed and looked around nervously. He had this odd feeling within, that Konan and Pein would show up at any minute. 

"Hidan! OMG The laundry room!" Deidara had an epiphany. He clapped his hands together and grinned naughtily.

"Good idea! It'll be FRESH!" 

In their rush, their scamper, Hidan left the most valuable item: the camera. And it was doomed to be found by the alert Pein and Konan.

It was a good four hours past midnight when Pein and Konan returned to the hideout. Both were tipsy and teetered along, holding onto each other for support. In other words, they had done some heavy drinking and would face a hardcore hangover.

"You…yousmell…like a margaaaaritah…" Pein slurred. He made a move to kiss her but missed and hit his mouth against her shoulder instead. He recoiled, frowning.

"And you smell…like…sex…" she replied. "Yummehh..." 

The two laughed a little and trudged to their room, half conscious. They didn't even notice one blue eye and one magenta eye peering at them from a small crack in a door…then again, they didn't even know where they were going, really. They just walked around until they found their door. And when they walked in, Konan stepped on something.

"Ow…shit son…what the hell…" she bent down to pick it up, and her brain registered it as a digital camera. "Pein, c'mere." Konan, curious, turned it on and pressed the 'play' button.

Pein, who was trying to take off his shirt, lumbered over. 

"Oh my GOD." Konan said, gaping. 

"What the fuck?" Pein grumbled, frowning. His frown deepened and his anger surged as he saw all the pictures passing by of Konan's (sexy) underwear and Hidan posing with it. In some pics, Deidara was studying the room, and giving the bed a particularly intent stare.

And in an instant, the two seemed to forget they were totally intoxicated. Pein, with a savage grin, pocketed the camera, and took Konan's hand, leading her out of the room. 

"If Hidan and Deidara are so curious, then I think we should give it to them first hand, right?"

"You're so dirty. I LIKE IT." Konan said intensely, touching Pein's am lustfully. "After we beat Hidan shitless, okay?"

"You know it, babe."

"Hell yeah."

"Hida-an!" Pein sang, kicking the door to Hidan's room open. "Deida-ra! Where are youuuuuu?"

What's worse than livid, lusty lovers? Heavily drunk, lusty, livid lovers.

* * *

HOLY crap that was so gay. Sorry to kill you guys. I was bored. Hahaha…retarded Rever does it again.


End file.
